Current mood:	relaxed
Current music:	I Hear Music (Swingsett & Takuya's Mighty Fine Remix) - Billie Holiday

There's Always a First Time
Nerves may take hold, but no anxiety can stop the moment when its time has come. And so it is in such a manner that I make my latest encounters with an audience and public performance. The past weeks have been set up to tell the tale of two firsts. One to further advance my professional career, the other to fulfill an amateur's wish.

It may be hard to believe, but it's only been recently that I formally presented to client. See, the Millward Brown way has managers as the frontliners when making the face-to-face presentation. No, I am not a manager, but yes, my bosses decided it was high time for me to do the deed.

To my advantage, this came at a time when I had the luxury of time. All these precious hours to prepare, read through it over and over, scrutinize the figures, conjure up questions that client could throw my way, make endless notes, and so on. Just as an aside, remind me not to make a habit of blogging about work. I just don't want to.

Unfortunately, though, this study was an advertising pre-test (that's Link^TM for you), and well, let's just say this client's ads never really yield results that are a walk in the park. Always and forever problematic, to say the least. Couple this with my first time jitters, and such neophyte concerns as getting used to presenting while seated(?), I couldn't get into that positively pumped state of excitement that officemates buzzed about.

After so and so slides, *click click*, low score here, high score there, reasons behind such, significantly better, nonetheless, nevertheless, thus, we conclude and recommend--spouting out words as best I can, hoping I'm being clear enough. In the end, we're all our own harshest critics, aren't we? So for my self-assessment, definitely not terrible for a first, and I'll leave it at (lots of) 'room for improvement'.

What matters now is I've hurdled that first step and gained a smidgen of experience. The fear of the completely unknown can be erased from my list.

If it's stage fright we must discuss, there's a much better place to experience it than some client's conference room, and that would be nowhere else but a music stage. September 18 marked my 'nth' first singing gig. These opportunities to sing come so far and few in between, that every time feels like the first.

For the longest time, I've been exercising my vocal chords at the occasional reunions/parties, school activities, intermission numbers, standard karaoke nights out, and even gathering up the courage to join in some open mic sessions on jazz nights. What makes this one gig particularly memorable is the fact of actually belonging to and performing with a passionate group of jazz hobbyists**.

An honest-to-goodness performance, with a professional sound system, live instruments (a pro sax player and the finest amateurs around), 'groupie' parents, and round that up with such requisites as 'band practice', set lists, call time--all new territory to me. Indeed the idea of being a (jazz!) band's vocalist just awes me.

As much as the thought amazes me, to actually find myself in that position also winds me up tight--and that proves to be a problem. The inner critic was on overdrive: was my voice thinning out from the nervousness, was I 'connecting' with the crowd, did I hold that note right, is my posture fine? Thankfully, I could count on mom and dad for their honest critique. Yet again, definitely not bad for a first time, and yes, there's always room for improvement.

Setting aside the gnawing feeling of should-haves and could-haves, somewhere along the way, as the performance draws on, I sense a sliver of satisfaction. And why not? I am living a fantasy, finding that oracles from a college yearbook may be more prophetic than we give them credit for--researcher by day, jazz/lounge singer by night.

If I can just learn to let loose, maybe I can toss out such lines as Jimmy Jones at the piano, Jimmy Jones at the piano a la Ella Fitzgerald.

This all reminds me of the first time I recently ventured to the far end of a ship called Anchors Away at Enchanted Kingdom. How does one enjoy with insides fluttering and funny stomach sensations? All I need is to follow _leche's valuable advice to just relax, let go, "Huwag mong pipigilin". Simple and effective wisdom at the amusement park.

As I swing up and down, from moment to moment, I should take joy in the ride. It won't come the same way everytime. Then just maybe, I can say good-bye to it all--the semi-paralyzing anxiety, the hyperactive nerves, the stage fright--for the first and last time. And really abandon myself to the experience for the first time.

* * *

Sadly, this is not the first (or last) time that a bomb drops chaos and brings a tragic end to lives. Shame on me for seeing this as a setback to Friday night plans, but really, my heart goes out to all the victims. God bless us all.

* * *






**The Jazz Making Rounds band, physicians who love jazz. Thanks to Tita Miriam and the rest for taking me into the fold :)

*Click the links for assorted pictures of gigs and Millward Brown's EK Day-Away