Current mood:	grateful
Current music:	The Last Time - Eric Benet

In a sentimental mood*
It's been a while since I discovered the last great love song/piano ballad. I am not talking about just any kind of romantic jazz standard, much less do I refer to the usual kitsch and cheese that abound.

I am perpetually on a sonic lookout for that one song that can grab you within the first few bars, engage you in an emotional tonal dialogue, and leave you simply breathless. In the past three years, the closest incarnations I've encountered of such a piece include Brad Mehldau's "Young and Foolish", Bill Evans' "But Beautiful", Keith Jarrett's "All My Tomorrows", and any of the three aforementioned jazz pianists' versions of the timeless "When I Fall in Love".

As the universe cannot deny a true-blue sentimentalist for long, this year has brought in its fair share of unabashedly heart-wrenching melodic creations. The emergence (no matter how short-lived) of Pandora has widened this music enthusiast's sources and opened a treasure trove of songs.

Those familiar with Diana Krall, may have heard of the musical direction and arrangement of Alan Broadbent. It was not until this year, though, that I was acquainted with his piano/trio performances. After hearing his subtly and tastefully Latin-tinged cover of "I'm Old Fashioned", I was converted and went on a rabid Broadbent mp3 hunt. This led me to a song that could join the ranks of the haute sentimental few.

From his 2003 album, You and the Night and the Music, "I Wish I Knew" is the perfect addition to the list. Broadbent starts the song with a piano solo, slowly building and heightening the mood with each note. As he launches into the body of the song--actually revisiting the entire melody he has summarized in the introduction--he is joined by the excellent Brian Bromberg (bass) and Pat La Barbera (drums). They then proceed to various improvisations and variations on the theme, never losing you in the alternating lightness and heaviness of it all.

Just as in the other songs I've mentioned, no words are needed to appreciate the performance. No lyrics could speak louder to me or make me feel any more the longing, the sadness, the disenchantment, the confusion, summing up quite aptly the state of my now. It talks to me plainly of questions that need answers, of the things I wish I knew.

I Wish I Knew
Harry Warren/Mack Gordon

Is this the night I've waited, oh, so long for?
Is this my dream at last come true?
Are you the one my heart has saved its song for?
How can I tell?
I wish I knew

I wish I knew someone like you could love me,
I wish I knew you place no one above me
Did I mistake this for a real romance?
I wish I knew, but only you can answer
If you don't care, why let me hope and pray so
Don't lead me on, if I'm a fool, just say so
Should I keep dreaming on or just forget you?
What shall I do?
I wish I knew

Until this hour, I have neither found a vocal rendition of this song, nor an answer to the many questions. These verses seem to juxtapose themselves artificially on the melody, as I imagine them mouthed by an unknown performer. As in life, the answers we seek and the situations we find do not fit as simply as lyrics matched perfectly to music.

* * *


And since there are still many things I don't know, I find myself searching in more ways than one. For the light at the end of the dark spiralling tunnel, for the perfect summary to a report, for sleep to invade my 'night shift', for the return of an appetite snatched away so suddenly, for sense-making in the midst of the number crunching, for that for the next risky yet calculated step.

"Where shall I look for the love to replace you
Someone to light up my life...

Sometimes in stars or the swift flight of seabirds
I catch a moment of you
That's why I walk all alone
Searching for something unknown
Searching for something or someone to light up my life"

-Lyrics from "Someone to Light up My Life"/Se Todos Fossem Iguas a Voce (A.C. Jobim/V. de Moraes/G. Lees)

The first week of September bore witness to one of my more harrowing and exhausting weeks at work. The events of which I would rather not go into full detail in this blog. Moments like these not only make you reflect on your current affairs, but also give you a deeper appreciation of the stark contrast of a weekend that you can enjoy at liberty.

As I drove to pumpkin_friz's party last Saturday, I tuned in to FM radio and came across an exquisitely beautiful song from Eric Benet--"The Last Time". Pardon my ignorance, but that was my the first time to hear it in full, and hopefully my last time to be kept in the dark about such songs.

It tells not just of romance, but of love. A real, constant, sure love. It was a stirring listening experience, close to the feeling of a first time so monumental as to be the last. And there the idea was, just what I was looking for, that elusive moment of finding a feeling so strong, of grasping something so true, a path you could be sure of. To know you've found it, and to hope never to let go.

The idea that after all the searching, there will be no more longing, no more sadness, no more disenchantment, no more confusion.

After everything I've learned;
Now it's finally my turn.
This is the last time I'll fall...in love.

The first time we walked under that starry sky,
There was a moment when everything was clear.
I didn't need to ask or even wonder why,
Because each question is answered when you're near.
And I'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds,
'Cause all of my life, I've waited for this day.
To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I'll never be the same.

-Lyrics from "The Last Time" (D. Foster/A. Foster-Gillies)

Later that same evening, as I sang accompanied by a talented group of jazz doctors, it dawned upon me: there is no one way way, not one thing to know, not one thing to light up my life, or one last time to fall. There is not just one moment of realization, knowing and being without doubt.

It comes many times in the form of so many stars. It is a succession of decisions we make in the course of a lifetime. This day may end with one choice, but the next day begins with another. All choices just as numerous as the songs to fit changing moods.

The dawn is filled with dreams,
So many dreams
Which one is mine?
One must be right for me
Which dream of all the dreams
When there's a dream for every star?
And there are oh, so many stars
So many stars

-Lyrics from "So Many Stars" (S. Mendes/M. Bergman/A. Bergman)

There are so many stars, so many wishes to make, and dreams to will into reality. And once more I look forward to the coming months with renewed hope. I'd like to think this is no longer just sentimental thinking. There is a time for being young and foolish. Let's hope this isn't one of them.






*Allow me to indulge myself with this overly dramatic post. For some of the songs mentioned here, hop on to my Multiply and get yourself in an extremely sentimental mood. Friends with no ready access to Multiply, just check with me, I might have a copy on hand :)